i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
