who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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