I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
