party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
