Please, let me fuck your mom
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
