it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
