he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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