I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
