My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
