So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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