Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
