dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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