You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
