Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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