omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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