I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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