You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This is not my ceiling
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
