Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
