Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
