My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soap is not a condiment
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
