Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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