the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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