watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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