and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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