Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
