So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
