I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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