i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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