So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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