First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
