I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
