your parents love me but you hate me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize