I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
