New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
