ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
