You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
