Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
