just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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