i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
