Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
