So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
