I think I died a long time ago.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
