he wants to bone in the snuggie
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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