I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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