I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
