I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
