I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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