I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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