I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
