You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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