the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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