I'm gonna have a badass scar
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
