hotel room ftw
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
