I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
