I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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