my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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