So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think im going to throw up on grandma
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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