so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
