his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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