im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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